Why?

My Dearest Daughters,

As you likely know, I typically reserve this blog for life events and not for the messy and emotional contents of my brain.  I'm breaking that rule because I've spent enough time in the past few weeks walking around our neighborhood with Brynn in the moby, Emery on my mind and tears streaming out from behind my sunglasses to know there's something I need to get off my chest.  (It's actually marginally surprising that no local service providers have called the authorities about that random lady walking around crying, but I digress.)

Today marks the day that I go back to work after 13 blissful weeks at home.  I have lived long enough at this point to know there will be things about the way your Daddy and I raise you that you will want to do differently should you ever be blessed with, and led to, have a family of your own in the future.  There will be some small things.  Like perhaps you'll select a partner who remembers to close cabinets and drawers after their use.   Maybe you will let your child take her milk in the bathtub to avoid a 10 minute stand off. There may also be big things like maybe you'll choose to live in the city.  Or choose a job that doesn't require sitting behind a desk.  I also pray that we do a few things that you want to emulate, but I won't hold my breath.

Undoubtedly if you become mothers yourselves one day, one of the biggest decisions you will make is whether or not you continue to work.  Regardless of which camp this choice falls into for you, I need you to understand why I am making the decision to be a working Mama.  I'm writing it down in case one day the pain and emotions behind it aren't as fresh and thus dull my explanation should you ever ask me.  I'm writing it down in case, God forbid, I'm not here to tell you one day.  I'm writing it down in case some day in the future I am not a working Mama and you want to be.

I myself was raised by the world's best primarily Stay at Home Mom (you know her better as Nonnie), so allow me to preface this entire explanation with the fact that I KNOW, first hand, that staying at home is without a doubt the most difficult job on the planet.  Period.  Shout out to my Mama and to all the other Mamas who stay at home and answer to tiny bosses each day.  You truly make the world go round!

So, am I running away from it because it's hard?  Oh no, my precious ones.  I'm sure after living through your teenage years with me you can attest to the fact that I have always loved a good challenge.  Where do you think you got your stubborn-ness from?  On the contrary, deciding to go back to work is harder for me emotionally than should I have opted to stay home.  It's physically painful for me to know that someone else will get to see a lot of your milestones first.  Someone else gets to laugh at you for 75% of your waking hours.  Someone else can reach out and give you a hug or a kiss whenever they want.  I chose this option because I think it's better for YOU.  The moment someone lays a newborn on your chest you realize that what's hard or easy for you doesn't matter any more.  You have one singular goal in life and it's to do what's best for your children.

I never thought I would be someone who liked their children going to daycare.  Then one day around 15 months or so as you sat in the bath tub Em, you pointed at a monkey and said "oh oh, ah ah" and scratched under your armpits.  Your Daddy & I had worked on teaching you multiple animal noises and succeeded but we had not taught you the monkey.  It sounds so silly but in that moment I realized just how much you learn from the people you spend your day with and how much they benefit YOU.  They do a far better job of teaching you things than I would.  I would sit at home and kiss you and hug you and laugh at the silly things you do.

Another especially poignant moment in my relationship with being a daycare Mama was at Halloween this year when we went to watch the costume parade.  Emery you were about 19 months old and super independent.  Listening and obedience weren't strong suits for you at home.  Nonnie, Paw paw and I were sitting there waiting and preemptively laughing about what a hot mess the parade would be.  We were all shocked when you walked out, held your teacher's and classmates' hands and did EXACTLY what you were supposed to do.  You never would have done that for your Daddy & I.  I realized just how much the school and it's norms were teaching you about how to behave.  You were watching others and learning to do what they do.  Could I  provide that for you at home?  Not exactly.

In addition to benefiting your mind and ability to behave (at least for others), you will learn the importance of friends and what they mean to your life.  Your Daddy does drop offs and he tells me that when you get to school your classmates run over chanting "Emmy, Emmy!"  I pick you up and at least 3 days of the week when I ask what you did that day, you tell me your BFF at school's name.  I assume that means you played with her and didn't beat her up.  I guess we will find out soon enough?  For everyone, but I think particularly females, it's so very important to have friends and to nurture the relationships with those around you.  Would I be able to provide enough play dates for you to form these types of bonds and early friendships?  I don't know.

On top of how wonderful I know going to school has been for you, going to work is equally wonderful for me.  I go to work and interact with people who support and challenge me.  I do a job that I find stimulating and interesting.  I feel fulfilled in it.  I'm blessed beyond belief with a boss and a work environment that support and foster a healthy work-life balance. It allows me to come home and be a better Mama to you.  It makes me appreciate every single second we are together because I know they're fewer than I would like them to be in a perfect world.  The confidence I have from work makes me more patient and more present than I fear I might be otherwise.  These facts are most assuredly good for YOU also.

Last but not least, your Daddy and I want to give you the world.  We want to make all of your dreams come true.  While I hope to teach you that happiness and confidence are the most important elements of success it can't be ignored that sometimes money is required to teach such lessons and achieve such goals.  At this stage in life your pragmatic and conservative parents don't feel confident that we have enough money saved for any potential eventuality or dream for you.  This isn't the most important element of the decision to continue working as I know love and support are the most important ingredients to your childhood, but given the others outlined above, it tips the scales.

So there you have it.  A very verbose explanation as to why your Mama works.  In one word it could be summarized as: YOU.  You are why I work.  Each person, each family, each situation is different which is why the decision is different for everyone.  What's right for us may not be right for someone else.  Truth be told, I'm not even positive that it IS what's right.  That's what we call Mama guilt though and a post for another day.  For now, it feels like the right thing to do.

I know that I'll re-make and re-visit this decision nearly each day I live.  Probably hourly depending on what kind of day it is for us.  If one day it becomes evident that it's no longer what's best for you then we will simply make a change.  At the end of the day though, whether you believe it was the right thing to do or whether you want something different for your family, I hope that you know that I am doing the very best I can.  Regardless of what my business card says, Mama will always be my favorite title.

All My Love,
YOUR Mama